Words are simply labels for constructs, that we use to communicate with each other. Words have connotations and denotations.
A denotation is essentially the dictionary definition of a word, or the literal meaning.
A connotation is where all the real power comes from. Essentially, it means “what the word means to you.” A word’s connotation has a potentially different meaning for everyone. Connotation carries memories, emotions, and even state-dependencies.
(A state-dependency is simply the state your mind was in when you formed a memory. For instance, being sad, happy, alone or even confident would all be different “states.”)
A word's connotation is the idea or feeling it evokes in addition to its literal meaning.
Words have the ability to elicit emotional and physiological responses in people. Certain words or phrases, can activate the body's stress response. Research suggests that the language used by healthcare providers can impact a patient's perception of pain. Neuroimaging studies have shown repeatedly that certain words will light up specific areas of individual’s brains, showing the different responses to hearing the words.
So, if words carry all these “burdens” and “baggage,” can they really have an effect on people who hears us talk (or read our writing)?
Absolutely! Words can crush your confidence or inspire your sense of adventure. So, you can bet that word choice plays a role when anyone speaks. Your choice of words used has an effect on anyone who hears (or reads) your words.
Given that, can you think of any situations where someone said something to you, where their word choice had an emotional effect?
Not to mention the way our imaginations work….
A single word can launch our thoughts into different ideas, sometimes even daydreams. It affects our entire mindset, which can even change our mood, our attitude toward what we’re doing, and toward the speaker who caused that shift.
Let’s take an example:
Imagine a mother at home, trying to make dinner for her family. But she’s had a long, difficult day, and is getting a headache. He toddler son is playing nearby. She yells at him:
“Get out of here! You came straight from the devil to ruin my life! Go away, I hate you!”
What’s going to be the impact on that child?
(This was typical of something my mother would say to me. Even as a young child, I understood how word choice could devastate or empower, chill or warm us. I recall vowing to never say things to anyone that were so hurtful, no matter how mad I was, and even if it was true. This began a life-long effort to teach others what I knew to be true.)
Whereas, she could have said:
“I’m trying to cook dinner, and I’ve got a headache. Would you please go play somewhere else?”
In this case, the child might feel dejected, but at least the damage to his psyche is minimal.
This example shows the potential impact that words can have.
Here’s another example that is even better for illustrating the correct way to choose your words. Let’s imagine you’re at work, and you overhear one coworker speaking to another,
It might go like this:
"You're so disorganized. It's frustrating to work with you."
Imagine how the receiver might have felt. His confidence would be dashed, and he wouldn’t be motivated to want to participate with the group any more. He might likely feel undervalued, and even want to look for another job.
(However, maybe the real problem is that he wasn’t working there when the group settled on a work protocol. Or, maybe he had a different way of seeing the world, which might have been the reason he was hired in the first place—to bring a different viewpoint and the resulting difference in creativity.)
But, after this remark, he might not even care about contributing. He might not even enjoy working here anymore, since after all, he is not appreciated.
You can imagine how this could blossom into a full-fledged feud, or at the very least a disenfranchised employee who now only wants to find a new job.
So, perhaps a better way for the coworker to approach him could have been:
"I think we could benefit from a more structured approach. Why don’t I show you how the rest of us decided to approach our work protocol. Maybe you could suggest ways that you could interact with it, and contribute to its evolution. It could even stimulate the group’s creativity.”
Now the receiver of that comment feels empowered, as he has something to offer the group. His unique viewpoint is appreciated. He feels like he is a valued member of the group, and his contributions are welcomed. He will be motivated to work closely to the group, make contributions, and might even look forward to it, as opposed to dreading any interactions.
This is a significantly different outcome!
As you can see, the better way is to take the time to consider your affect. Don’t use “loaded words,” and don’t simply attack someone’s personality. Instead, offering constructive criticism makes all the difference.
In the first case, the speaker is lashing out due to his annoyance, and inflicting hurt. Does it solve his “annoyance problem?” Well, it might, by getting the other person to avoid him in the future, and possibly quit his job. But there is also much collateral destruction.
In contrast, the second example solves his “annoyance problem” by offering constructive criticism, rather than destructive lashing out. The result is an engaged employee who is enthusiastic about contributing to the group in terms of creativity, and even helping to evolve the common work protocol. He might look forward to opportunities to engage with the group.
Words have power. They can hurt, they can cut deeply. Or can also elevate, inspire, and promote positive change.
How will you use your words?
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